On being in a hole

On being asked why he tried to commit suicide Conrad (Ordinary People- 1980) answered, "You are in a hole and you try and try to get out, then one day you turn around and look and you are the hole..."

I watched a rerun of "Ordinary People" today. The line quoted above hit me right between the eyes. In the movie, Conrad is the adolescent who has tried to commit suicide and has just gotten out of the psychiatric hospital. The story is about how his family ("ordinary people") cope with the situation. If you haven't seen it you should. In that one remark I thought Conrad explained a bookful about how life works.

All of us have hard times. Sometimes people try to compete to see who has had the hardest time or who should get the most points for suffering, but that seems a fruitless pursuit to me. I have a friend who is a refugee from the Sudan and his hard times make mine seem kind of trivial. I have another friend with severe CP, half a dozen other chronic diseases, bipolar disorder, and enough life trauma to be several movies of the week. My suffering is nothing to hers.

How much you have suffered is really beside the point here. The real question is how you deal with it. Mental health consumers talk about the difference in having a disorder and being a disorder. My wife has bipolar. She is not bipolar. We are not defined by our conditions, whatever they maybe, rather they be external or internal. I was once the family therapist to a man who was worth $400 million. As much as he tried to define himself by how rich he was, what really marked his life was how unhappy he was and how miserable his family was.

Recovery, rather it be from mental illness, substance abuse, or any other destructive habits, is about knowing that you are in a hole, and using the tools you have to climb out. It is possible when we know there is a difference between our problems, our disorder, our addiction and ourselves. If you can be in a hole it implies you can be out of the hole. Hope is knowing that you can get out and knowing that everything is not the hole.

When you lose the distance, when you lose the perspective then your emotions take control and you are left hoping for some way to decrease the pain or make it stop for a little while. Life no longer becomes about doing better. The only thing that matters is feeling better. If what you do makes life worse in the long run, so be it, as long as you feel better in the short run.

Suicide is a problem solving behavior. It is what happens when you believe you are the hole, and there is no way to feel better and all you can think about is stopping the pain. People are dangerously suicidal when they see suicide as a problem solving behavior. No one wants for it to be a solution, but for some it becomes "better than nothing."

They did a study where they asked people who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and had not died what they thought on the way down. The answers were basically the same, "God help me... This is stupid... I do not want to die..." At that instant they knew they were not the hole. Most of them never tried again. They took the opportunity God gave and tried to climb out.

If you believe that you are the hole....If you are your disorder, if you are your addiction-- if there is no space between you and it-- then recovery in any meaningful way is unlikely. At best life will be little more than trying to keep your mind off your misery. Know that it may be hard, it may take a long time--- you may even fall back in a time or two-- but know that there is a place and a space outside your hole. Find the tools, the support and the will to keep climbing.

Sometimes people fail because they forget the first law of holes. I don't know who came up with it, but I often think we all need to write it on our tee shirts- "The first law of holes-- When you are in one stop digging..."

What is working

"16 Minutes" has been on hiatus for a few months due to my involvement in other projects. With this post we begin again. I really appreciate the people who have followed this blog and hope you will continue to do and tell others

I begin with a question. Statistics in Tennessee indicate the suicide rate is rising. With drastic budget cuts in virtually every state ahead more and more people are going to be left out. What does suicide prevention look like in your area? What kind of programs, what kind of services are offered? In Tennessee, the Tennessee Suicide Prevention Network (TSPN) is a primary source that helps to focus the statewide area in this area. One of the things they do is QPR training (question, persuade,refer) which is a form of suicide prevention training that seeks to equip ordinary people to deal with crisis situations with their loved ones. It seeks to give people a "mental health Heimlech manuever." Linda and I are both certified trainers and our experience is that it helps.

What is done in your area? This is an essential time to increase awareness of services. This is a great time for people to share ideas and experience. No one has to die. We need to become active in support of making sure as many mental health services are pared down that things stay in place that can save lives.

If you would like to share your experience, your ideas I would be pleased to share them with others if you would send them to me.

Someone dies every sixteen minutes. No one has to. Please stand and speak now.

And again thanks for participating in this blog.